All posts by northlondonhousewife

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Loan Shark

It is harder to lend money to people than you’d think, at least if you want to get it back.

The bank of mum and dad provides around a fifth of finance for house purchases in the UK, mostly unofficial or at least unrecorded and therefore unregulated. Part of that it because the regulation that exists makes the process of lending awkward.

To lend money in the UK, basically requires a person to register with the Financial Conduct Authority, a body set up to regulate the thousands of financial services firms and the financial market.

By registering as a credit broker most of the problems associated with lending to family members go away but the process takes 6-12 months, so by the time most people find out, it’s too late and anyway, it’s a lot of faff filling in forms etc.

So then they may look at what exemptions there are within the regulations, and yes, there is an exemption for non-business loans made to family members. Since most people making loans to help get their kids on the property ladder are non-business ie there’s no interest or other benefit to the parent, the lender, then that isn’t a problem for most people. It would be fine for our situation except the idea of family is defined in law, and would not include the fiancee/boyfriend.

He was a bit cross about that, a bit indignant that any loan we made to him would likely be unenforceable in law, and that’s really not somewhere we want to find ourselves. They’ve been dating two years. He’s a lovely boy. Still, let’s not be daft. The laws exist to prevent someone (anyone really) setting up as a loan shark and fleecing desperate people of their hard earned cash. It’s not reasonable or at least not as unreasonable as expecting your girlfriend’s parents to effectively gift you a couple of hundred thousand and feel good about it. When your own parents will not.

So we could lend the money but only to our daughter, making her the 80% purchaser and therefore 80% owner of the house they planned to share as tenants in common. Cue much soul searching and entirely valid (though fundamentally frustrating) feelings around whether or not he could proceed as the ‘minority interest’ stake holder. Until his uncle told him to get a grip, get his head out of his arse and grab the most favourable arrangement in the history of spoiled North London boyfriends ever. Quick.

So we’re all agreed. What next. Apparently we’ve taken far more care with this than most people already in having the discussion because the biggest problem with family loans and the bank of mum and dad, by far, is simply that they’re not documented. At all. Which leaves some huge problems down the line for people when mum and dad want their money back and their child doesn’t want to give it back. Or can’t. Or (God forbid) has died and someone else just doesn’t recognise that a loan ever exists and mum and dad can’t prove it was a loan rather than an outright gift.

And the friend of a friend who is walking me though all of this then points out that the loan agreement is actually a very straightforward thing to draft unless there’s anything weird going on. And that it probably isn’t necessary to secure it against the house, providing your kids are on good terms but perhaps more importantly providing the loan amount is a relatively small part of their parents estate. No one is going to refuse to repay a loan when it costs them a huge amount of their inheritance.

So we have agreed on a five year loan with no interest chargeable for the shortfall in the house cost, to be made to my daughter only, unsecured on the house, but drafted, signed, enforceable in law, with a minimum repayment a month but no maximum and no fines or penalty charges if it’s repaid early ie if she takes out a ‘proper’ mortgage to buy out the loan. The agreement is drafted and will be signed by parents and child, witnessed and a copy kept in the safe. If it all goes tits up then the agreement will be enforced.

It’s a bloody marvellous deal for her.

If she defaults we can go to the courts and ask for repayment of the capital amount. Her only asset large enough to make good the loan is her 80% share of the house so she’d then have to sell. Hmm. What about the boyfriend?

Well, he’s not part of the loan arrangement at all, other than needing to be okay with selling the house if she defaults.

The friend of a friend did point out that the tricky bit in law would be agreeing a declaration of trust (or cohabitation agreement) between my daughter and her partner, laying out the terms on which they planned to live together in the house they’ve bought. Will they take into account capital sums invested in renovating the house? What about shared running costs? What happens to dividing up the sale proceeds when the house is sold, the costs and the profits? Under what circumstances can they sell the house?

So having sorted out our best option for financing our daughter, we’re (or at least they are) now getting advice on a legal agreement for them living together, something that can probably be a precursor to any prenuptial agreement they may need.

If it sounds less than romantic it’s because it’s a lot less than romantic! But most arguments in marriage are because of money. Marriage is not especially romantic at its heart – it’s still basically a legal agreement based around property transfer and the laws that govern property.

Money can and often is used to control people, to limit and constrain them. It is often a proxy for love and attention in peoples thoughts. And it makes people nervous to talk about money so they tend to make assumptions and to push it to the back of their minds and relationships. It’s only when money gets tight, or runs out entirely that those assumptions come back to bite. Everyone needs to shine a huge light on that stuff before it gets to that point, not afterwards!

I am always going to be salty about the fact that his parents are unwilling to financially support their son as well as we propose to support our daughter but the biggest red flag in these conversations has been the difficulty that the boyfriend and his family seem to have about talking openly about money and finance. Ho hum. She loves him. He’s a very nice boy. he says we shouldn’t worry, that he’ll never leave her, never be unkind.

& I really don’t know how to break it to him that he’s not the one we’re worried about. If she leaves him, he will get tricky, whatever his current plans or beliefs.

Travel

Leopards

Leopard or panthers are possibly the most beautiful of large cats, found across Africa and Asia.

Though smaller than tigers, the Sri Lanka leopard is the largest to be found, if you can find it, as for the most part in Wilpattu, they can easily hide away in the scrub.

We were lucky enough to find the dominant male sleeping away the hot afternoon next to water.

It was not the closest sighting, but still wonderful.

For such remarkable creatures, they are shockingly difficult to spot without expert guides.

You know they’re somewhere in the undergrowth, within metres of you, possibly, but still until they move, or unless you get very lucky, viewings are always on their own terms.

And all around us, whilst we wait for the leopard to pose, the life of the other animals continues.

Home

A Vulgarity

For the last week or so, the most notable visitors to the bird table (yes, I’m old) have been starlings. Growing up they were regarded as really very common birds, of no real interest to anyone, but they’re now on a red list having seen an 80% fall in numbers.

At first glance, they were an odd crowd indeed with the dark speckled adults mingling with dull brown fledglings that seemed to have outgrown their parents. It looked for all the world as if two different species had suddenly decided to flock together.

Starlings lay eggs, hatch and fledge their young all at much of the same time presumably to maximise their chances in the face of predators. An entire flock of starling parents on the look out for cats (or whatever) will be more vigilant.

It makes for a noisy garden. They can only really access the open mesh feeder so the smaller tits still have a decent food supply, once the mob of starlings has flown off but at the moment I’m just enjoying them interact.

There are a number of collective nouns for a group of starlings, starting with a murmuration of starlings for those wonderful mass flights that seem more like abstract art in the skies. From the sounds in my garden, this lot could definitely qualify as a chatter of starlings bt my favourite, based on the almost continuous squabbling from the fledglings is a vulgarity of starling.

That feels just about right.

Rants&Rambles

Privileged Problems

North London is a great place to live. For all of the criticism levelled at London in general (too busy, too dirty, too diverse, too much of everything really) it remains a great place to work, to live and raise a family.

Yet every family reaches that stage where the kids are grown and ready to settle down on their own and North London is fiercely expensive, unaffordable on almost kind of salary for a first home, not so much for the mortgage cost but rather the need for a deposit, a lump sum reassuring the banks that they will get their money back even if prices fall somewhat.

The Dance 1988 Paula Rego born 1935 Purchased 1989 http://www.tate.org.uk/art/work/T05534

My daughter’s beau started out working in the City on a huge salary but, for one reason and another, he left and is now re-starting life as a civil servant on a much more modest salary. By London terms, their pay is okay at around £40k each. In national terms that makes each of them above the median wage of around £35k, yet faced with an average house price of £725k even a combined salary of £80k is not enough.

Obviously they wouldn’t be buying an average house. But that average includes a lot of houses quite a long way away from me, and in an ideal world, I’d want my kids to live close by and to be a useful sort of grandmother if they chose to have their own kids.

North London is expensive.

So privileged wealthy parents want to help their kids buy their first house. Most of them. I’ve definitely come across some who are entirely unwilling to chip in, even when their kid’s partner is getting considerable help from their parents. And I can see where they’re coming from, having set their children up with expensive educations etc: they feel they’ve already done their part.

My Parents 1977 David Hockney born 1937 Purchased 1981 http://www.tate.org.uk/art/work/T03255

But I want my girl to live close by. Both of them honestly, but one has already up sticks and moved to Newcastle so unless or until she moves back, there’s nothing I can do to change things for her so I’m focusing on the eldest.

Chatting with people (everyone, honestly) of the same age, whatever the wealth or lack thereof, we’re all struggling with the same issue. There seem to be a couple of options.

Allowing the kids to use a property owned by their parents. I’m certainly not rich enough to have a spare flat or house in London, but I know people who do. By offering the kids a flat to live in, they keep control of the asset but can keep their kids safely close by. One step towards this is buying a house with the children, that is, owning a share, perhaps a controlling share, in the property they buy. Even if I had the money, I’d hate the option. Aside from just not wanting the hassle of another house to manage, the children are kept as dependents. It feels controlling.

Outright gifts. A friend has basically bought a flat for her three kids and put the deeds in their names. I don’t have the money for this but if I did, it would still feel a bit too much, over generous. I don’t have any hang ups about giving them money or assets, but owning a house outright at the age of twenty five would mark them out from their peers in a way that brings its own issues. It feels as if they should have some of their own skin in the game, have to work and maybe take some personal risk to create their own home. I would want my privilege to cushion the bumps in life for my kids, not insulate them from reality. It does feel okay to help with the deposit though, as an outright gift.

Loans. A friend, accepting that their daughter would never earn enough to buy in London, decided to lion her enough money to buy a flat. Having a legal husband (barrister, now judge) they wrote up an agreement and instead of paying money to a bank or building society, she pays them. They decided that interest wasn’t important to them, just a straight forward repayment schedule. Hmm. I quite like this idea as a way to help the daughter whilst not removing too much autonomy. Maybe a loan secured on the house bought would work best.

Her situation is a bit complicated by her beau, who wants to live with her and build a life with her in a house owned 50:50, without parents who are willing to match what we’re willing to give. Hmm.

I’m stuck wondering how that works out five years down the line if they break up. Suppose that we Make them a loan, no interest, for £400k for which they both are liable, secured on the house. Do we have to arrange it so that we loan her £200k and him £200k to make them both independently liable?

In five years time, he would have to repay his share of the loan but would also walk away with 50% of any capital gain on the property, earned though our generosity. Do I care enough about that to refuse to help? Are any of the alternatives any better? I don’t mind transferring my wealth to my children but other people’s children are not my responsibility, surely? Though he is a lovely boy, and treats her very well.

Privileged problems.

Travel

Wilpattu

We went to Sri Lanka at the wrong time, for the right reasons. I wanted to see leopard and the daughter was not interested in the kind of small plane flights required in Africa. Sri Lanka was mentioned as an option where we could basically drive (or be driven) from one safari park to another.

Then of course whales were mentioned. It’s a tropical island that sticks out into the depths of the Indian Ocean and blue whales are commonly spotted offshore. And not long after, super-pods of spinner dolphins joined the discussions.

None of this made travelling in march a good idea. It was fine looking just at the headline temperature of 30C but a lot less fine when joined with 85%+ humidity. We coped.

Full-day safaris reduced down to very early mornings and a single disastrous night safari, starting in Wilpattu which was fairly empty of people though with more dense scrub, also harder to spot the larger mammals.

Thankfully there were plenty of other creatures around to spot, and try to photograph with the new mirrorless camera not least a cobra (spectacle) that scared the living daylights out of both of us.

More than anything, the birdlife is the one reliable photograph just waiting to happen which is ironic given how totally useless my attempts were to practice with my new camera on birds back home.

Macaques can be found everywhere, especially where people and food congregate, but they are certainly photogenic.

But the star of the show is always going to be the leopard.

Rants&Rambles

Average

Dear God (dess) send me the grace of a perfectly average man,

overweight, rather short, fond of cereal and sliced ham.

Send me the confidence of the inadequate and over-valued,

Paid for all of his thirty-nine hours,

Praised for the sixteen hours scraped away at home,

and assumed the next sixteen spent watching the woman work,

On and on, while he watches telly

And she raises the kids.

Send me the honest bewilderment of a man recently divorced,

By the woman, on average, twelve years in, fifty years old and kids still to raise

Can you really be that bad, that useless,

For her to make a rational decision to lose your wage and raise the kids

Alone and poor,

rather than spend the time and emotion on you as well.

Lady, send me the gob-smacking arrogance of the middle aged man,

who sits down at the table and says to the woman on his right,

“Let’s talk about me!”

Home

Autumn Bulbs

So the bulbs have arrived, ordered maybe six to nine months ago, there is absolutely no chance of me remembering what I intended to do with them all.

There are three basic tulip beds:

cold colours (pink, purple, white)

30xTulip Queen of Night 11/12 cm to be split 20:10 between the two main tulip beds, 20xTulip Angel’s Wish elegant whites, 20xTulip Yosemite: pink late bloomers

hot colours (red, orange, yellow)

10xTulip Ballerina 10/11 cm: and elegant orange fluted tulip, 10xTulip Ronaldo 11/12 cm: dark early-ish, 10xTulip Princess Irene: orange red parrot tulip

And then there’s the rest of them.

wild tulips that I usually stick under hedges and into those places difficult to plant including Tulip Bakeri Lilac Wonder, Tulip Clusiana Peppermint Stick which have ended up planted into the gravel on the garage roof

Bulbs for the meadow this year include:

Triteleia Corrina (Brodiaea) Why 50? I can vaguely remember thinking that they’d look good lining the path cut through the meadow along with Allium Cowanii x50 of these smallish alliums for the meadow, to line the path.

Camassia Cusickii x10 for the meadow, to be threaded through the grass in threes and Narcissus Barenwyn 50 very old fashioned, and rather late season daffodils.

Dutch Crocus Jeanne D’ Arc x25 White & lovely, Crocus Etruscus Zwanenburg x25 Bright & purple

But then maybe instead of the meadow, some of the smaller bulbs should make there way to the gravel

Narcissus Tete a Tete Again 50, tiny narcissus

Iris Reticulata Harmony Really 50? Could I not think up a smaller number?

But then there are the alliums that I haven’t really a plan for, other than remembering how lovely they looked in amongst the roses.

Allium White Giant (Stipitatum) just three but maybe these can grow in amongst the meadow rather than roses. Allium Giganteum, again just three so maybe to mix with the white giants. I have three wire cloches that I use to plant into the grass and protect from the squirrels through the Winter, so maybe two alliums in each basket? Possibly with a ring of crocus around the outer edge, maybe even a daffodil or three.

Food

Easy Coffee Bundt 

Sock-It-to-Me Cake 

Time2 hours

This vintage cake recipe is part basic pound cake, part coffee cake but with a crunchy brown sugar-pecan blend is inside the cake — rather than on top — for tidier eating and a better bite. It’s inviting on its own, and perfect for coffee or brunch, or dessert. Make it for a group of people you love, or people you’re just getting to know. They’re going to ask you all about the recipe.

Ingredients

12 to 16 servings

  • 3cups/344 grams cake flour, plus more for coating the pan
  • 1teaspoon baking powder
  • ½teaspoon baking soda
  • 1teaspoon fine sea salt
  • 1cup/100 grams chopped pecans
  • ½cup/110 grams dark brown sugar
  • 2teaspoons ground cinnamon
  • 1½cups/340 grams unsalted butter, at room temperature
  • 2½cups/525 grams granulated sugar
  • 5large eggs, at room temperature
  • 1tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 1cup/250 milliliters sour cream, at room temperature
  • Nonstick cooking spray, for greasing the pan
  • 2cups/184 grams icing sugar, sifted
  • 2teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1½teaspoons milk, plus more as needed

Preparation

  1. Place a rack in the centre of the oven and heat the oven to 350F degrees.
  2. Sift together the cake flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt into a medium bowl.
  3. In a small bowl, toss together the pecans, brown sugar and cinnamon.
  4. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream the butter, about 5 minutes, scraping down the sides as needed. Add the granulated sugar and mix until light and fluffy, another 2 minutes, scraping down the sides. Add eggs, one at a time, waiting until each is fully mixed in before adding the next. Add the vanilla extract. Add the flour mixture in 3 batches, alternating with half the sour cream, starting and ending with the flour mixture.
  5. Generously spray a 12-cup Bundt cake pan with nonstick cooking spray and coat lightly with some cake flour, tapping out any excess over the sink.
  6. Scoop half of the cake batter into the prepared pan, smoothing it out, and spread the pecan mixture evenly over the top. Top with the remaining cake batter, spreading it in an even layer, and tap the pan on the counter to release air.
  7. Bake until a skewer inserted in the centre of the cake comes out clean, 50 minutes to 1 hour.
  8. Remove the cake from the oven and let cool in the pan for 10 minutes. Run a butter knife along the edges of the cake to make sure it isn’t sticking to the pan. The cake should naturally start pulling away within a few minutes of being out of the oven. Un-mould onto a rack set over a baking sheet, and let cool to room temperature.
  9. Make the glaze: To a medium bowl, add confectioners’ sugar, vanilla and milk, and stir until smooth. If the glaze is too thick, add more milk. You want it to be thin enough to coat the back of the spoon. Pour over the cooled cake and serve.
Rants&Rambles

Becoming Angry

How much longer must I spend my time

Pretending the man sat next to me is interesting.

How much longer must I spend my time

Looking after someone else, anyone else

children, parents, him.

As the body sags and settles into itself

and the fire inside burns hotter

day by day, year by year, decades pass.

Begrudging every minute,

As I see the same path mapped out for my daughters.

Sing out my soul, let the humble rise up

Now,

Not later, not constantly waiting for changes that never come,

How much longer must we wait for nothing more than our due

Growing old, waiting

For the never-ever promises

Give me my time, my space to be me

not someone’s mother or lover,

Now.

Do not make me wait for something you know will never come

Old women are too often angry women,

fuelled by broken promises and dreams

And the not-apologies of men.

Rants&Rambles

Add Food

Item satsuma:

50 1 satsuma,Satsuma, or

28, 1 fruit, Asda, or

53, 100g Sainsbury, or

Bigger, fatter, juicier?

It’s only a fucking orange, easily peeled.

10 minutes, thinking, considering, counting

Working through the trade-offs.

Item: potato:

265, 1 medium, jacket

92 100g jacket

278, 1 medium, homemade

Oh for fucks sake. Is that with or without butter?

Another five minutes thinking about what it means to be a large potato in a preferably small world

Lose weight they say.

Calories in, calories out.

It’s just will-power, they say.

Looking at you and finding a lack.

As if a worldwide epidemic could be fought patient by patient,

could be reduced to nothing more than positive thinking

and paying attention.

Each pound of fat worth 3500 calories,

almost two days worth of eating, restricted.

Assuming we’re average, which clearly we’re not.

And fat cells never die, did you know?

We add them as we put on weight,

but when we lose they just shrink

like a sponge squeezed free of water.

And they keep sending out these messages to the brain,

Screaming feed me!

Feed me! FEED ME!

What does it mean when it is the fat that is hungry not the person carrying it?

Will power.

An entire industry set up to make us eat,

and once we’re fat our own bodies do their work for them.

Cos the only way to be slim, is to stay slim.

But the bastards tell us all we need is willpower,

The power of an individual person’s mind to defeat an international superpower,

The power of an individual’s will to defeat their own body’s screams,

not once but always.

Each day. Every day.

Will power.