Self-criticism can take a toll on our minds and bodies. It’s time to ease up.

Yes, it’s an obnoxious cliché, but evolutionary psychologists have studied our natural “negativity bias,” which is that instinct in us all that makes negative experiences seem more significant than they really are. 

Basically we’ve evolved to give more weight to our flaws, mistakes and shortcomings than our successes. 

Self-criticism can lead to ruminative thoughts that interfere with our productivity, and impact our bodies by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging,

But there are ways around our negativity bias, and it is possible to turn self-criticism into opportunities for learning and personal growth.

Evolution programmes us to monitor our mind and our behaviour. In order to recover, we first must notice that a mistake has occurred but just noticing that we’ve deviated from our expectations or goals — whether that’s eating too much or not completing a daily to-do list — isn’t necessarily a problem.

In some cases, like when our safety or moral integrity are on the line, it’s crucial that our brains tell us good from bad so that we learn the right lessons from our experiences.

But sometimes, assigning negative value to our experiences and behaviors can “ensnare” us into cycles of unhelpful rumination — like when you lie in bed at night needlessly replaying an awkward interaction or repeatedly revisiting that minor typo. This is where we get into the harmful, counterproductive side of self-criticism.

And it’s that type of self-criticism that can have measurably destructive effects, including symptoms of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, negative self-image and, in a particularly vicious twist, decreased motivation and productivity, according to a study published in the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration. Another study, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that self-criticism leads people to becoming preoccupied with failure.

Basically, beating yourself up for finishing only three of the five items on your to-do list is going to make you less likely to finish those last two items — and yet we’re programmed to fall into that pattern. 

The solution is called self-compassion: the practice of being kind and understanding to ourselves when confronted with a personal flaw or failure, and traditionally we’re not very good at it.

Research shows that the No. 1 barrier to self-compassion is fear of being complacent and losing your edge. Yet all the research shows that’s not true. It’s just the opposite, meaning that self-compassion can lead to greater achievement than self-criticism ever could.

In fact, several studies have shown that self-compassion supports motivation and positive change. In a 2016 study researchers found that “self-compassion led to greater personal improvement, in part, through heightened acceptance,” and that focusing on self-compassion “spurs positive adjustment in the face of regrets.”

This is, of course, easier said than done. But the core to self-compassion is to avoid getting caught up in our mistakes and obsessing about them until we degrade ourselves, but rather to strive to let go of them so we can move onto the next productive action from a place of acceptance and clarity.

So how do we move forwards?

First: Make the choice that you’ll at least try a new approach to thinking about yourself. Commit to treating yourself more kindly — call it letting go of self-judgment, going easier on yourself, practicing self-compassion or whatever resonates most. 

One of the most portable and evidence-based practices for noticing our thoughts and learning to let them go is meditation.

You can also interrupt the spiral of negative self-talk by focusing your energy on something external that you care about, which can help you establish perspective and a sense of meaning beyond yourself. 

The second step to self-compassion is to meet your criticism with kindness. If your inner critic says, “You’re lazy and worthless,” respond with a reminder: “You’re doing your best” or “We all make mistakes.” 

But it’s step three, according to Dr. Brewer, that is most important if you want to make the shift sustainable in the long term: Make a deliberate, conscious effort to recognize the difference between how you feel when caught up in self-criticism, and how you feel when you can let go of it.

Think about it this way: How much better might it feel to take a breath after making a mistake, rather than berating ourselves? Maybe think about going to a friend and what they would reply to you if you started beating yourself up.

This is the linchpin of being kinder to ourselves: Practice what it feels like to treat yourself as you might treat a friend. In order to trade in self-abuse for self-compassion, it has to be a regular habit.

So the next time you’re on the verge of falling into a blame spiral, think of how you’d pull your friend back from falling in, and turn that effort inward. If it feels funny the first time, give it second, third and fourth tries.

And if you forget on the fifth, remember: Four tries is a lot better than zero.