I remain hugely grateful that John, the roofer, managed to fit us in before Christmas. The flat roof garage is now water-tight and ready for Winter and over the holiday, we managed to get most of the plants back up on top, somewhere.

Because the problem with doing this in Winter, and with a couple of guys who self-describe as “not gardeners, love” is that a lot of the plants seem to be missing, and not the ones you’d want to go missing.

In the Summer, there was an overabundance of plants. The roof looked positively busy and not always in a good way.

The thugs were clearly taking over: mexican fleabane (erigeron) thrift, satureja spicergera and some geraniums.

But it’s all looking a bit bare now.

& I can’t work out whether that’s because it’s Winter and all of those plants will just pop up come Spring and Summer, or whether the driest Summer in memory has done for so many plants.

The basic lay-out is much the same as before with wooden boxes creating a frame on the outside of the roof but any wicker dividers in the middle have just been thrown away to create one large central bed. Where specific plants could be identified, they were laid down on tarpaulin. The remainder of the gravel/plant mix was chucked into plastic bags for the ease and speed of the project.

There was a surprising amount of blue grass to be found – must be tough as old boots – so on the way back up, all of that was just plonked in the centre of the roof where it has stayed like a mini island in the middle of all of that gravel.

As obvious plants came back up, they were planted into the boxes along the outside with the obvious thugs placed at the corners of the central bed. I am imagining that they will move forward like little armies, gradually swarming into the middle, skirmishing with each other along borders.

But of course, the dirt chucked back into the spaces between those plants may well be full of other plants (weeds obviously as well) so that barren battleground may already be occupied.

John was a great roofer but less obviously a gardener – who sticks soil back into a plot green and growing side down? So we did do our best to revisit the roof and turn over the obvious bulbs, to make them head first again. And eventually we got around to topping it all off with some fresh gravel.

Since fresh gravel just screams “neighbourhood litter tray” to cats, we’ve laid down some mesh as a deterrent. My cats do not look deterred.

My cats do not look deterred.

Couples can fight about anything, but arguments about money have a tendency to be particularly toxic, since they’re layered with deep emotional and personal history.

In fact, researchers have shown there’s a direct relationship between the number of times a couple has argued about their budget per month and their divorce rate.

Despite this, or maybe because of it, people tend to avoid financial talks with their partner. While standard marital advice has us studiously marking out “date nights” on the calendar to keep passion alive, there’s no phrase for scheduling nights to preserve fiscal harmony. We need to invent some new traditions.

Our attitudes about money begin in childhood, starting with your parents’ behavior around spending and saving, according to the experts.

My drive to financial independence formed as a kid found comfort in building up a financial safety net, a rather obsessive need to count the pennies and be on top of every bank account and budget, fostered by training as an accountant. My partners bone-grindingly poor childhood has left him unable to even contemplate our finances without a built up of anxiety. He will never feel himself to be financially secure whatever the financial reality. Conversations about retirement and pensions can be fraught.

“Your first money memories were created when you understood money was more than just a toy,” said Suze Orman, the financial expert and author of “The Money Class.” After that moment, your attitude became shaped by a series of firsts, including your first allowance, first paycheck, first big-ticket purchase, first major money loss and so on. Understanding our financial history is a key step in achieving financial harmony with another person.

In other words, just as you exchanged your romantic history with your partner, share your back story when it comes to money.D

Money, like sex, is an intimate subject, and we’re coached from an early age to be secretive about it. It’s hard to break that habit and let someone else in, and inviting another person into your pocketbook can mean risking judgment. (“You spend how much on avocado toast?!”)

Revealing your finances also means losing some autonomy. Many of us see our bank balance as the ultimate achievement of independence. But while sharing this information may make you vulnerable and accountable, you’ll also gain a new openness in your relationship.

Consider financial date nights as a moment to unburden yourself. In these discussions, “fear, shame and anger are the three internal obstacles,” Ms. Orman said.

These feelings can multiply, leading to “cycles of shame and spending.” (Picture a closet full of unused Amazon purchases or an online poker habit.) But voicing that burden, and being met with acceptance and love from your partner, can put you on the path to healing.

If you’re on the receiving end of a confession from your partner, remember that having a common enemy is incredibly bonding. Teaming up to face something like student loan debt together can unite you, and these financial date nights give you the opportunity to be in the trenches together.

If you’ve found a system that works for you — like using only cash for purchases, money-tracking apps or a swear jar — don’t assume it will work for your spouse.

Gretchen Rubin, a habits expert and best-selling author, believes you should avoid the mentality that “if your spouse would just do it the way you did it, then problem solved.” Some of the deepest discords can occur when you shoehorn your approach onto your partner. It doesn’t work for sex and it won’t work for money.

Ms. Rubin has identified several character traits that shape people’s habits and perspectives. One of the trickiest is the “rebels” who want to buck the rules. While rebels won’t respond well to Excel spreadsheets and budgeting mandates, they can get on board with other approaches.

“Rebels like a challenge,” Ms. Rubin said. “They like to do things in unconventional ways. You could say to them: ‘Let’s do something crazy! Let’s try to spend $10 a day for the next three months!’” and they will eagerly get on board.

Another personality group, “questioners,” needs to do its own research before committing. Before signing up for an investment, for instance, a questioner might want to see a chart showing the compound interest the account would earn.

“Obligers” seek outer accountability, so framing a financial step as a way to set a positive example for their children could motivate them. Give your partner room to zero in on his or her own approach to your shared goals.

A budget can seem like drudgery: a forced diet on your spending buffet. But budgets aren’t just about reining in your wallet; they’re also about deciding where your money will go, road maps to shared destinations. So financial date nights or discussions should include talking about the dreams you’d like to realize with your income. What are you saving for?

“You should talk about your financial future,” Ms. Orman said. Escaping the weight of debt? A European getaway? A three-bedroom house? A pair of matching hoverboards? These are all dreams you can save toward.

The most hostile environment for plants in my garden is the gravel on top of my flat garage roof. At least technically.  But since it’s been planted up with tough alpines, then there never really seemed to be a problem until this year.

The Summer was incredibly hot and dry so plants did die whilst we were away in August leaving gaps to be re-filled with new plants. It seemed a mixed blessing since the obvious thugs survived but were knocked back a little bit.

But then the weather got colder and very wet and a crack appeared in the roof of my garage with a drip.

In a bit of a panic, I called a roofer last seen five years ago asking for help. To be honest he was rather elderly when he last came round so I was mainly expecting  him to refer me to someone else but when he suggested that he come around and take a look, I wasn’t going to say no. 

John is in his 70s and has obviously worked hard all his life, mainly on the roofs of London. He is a big burly bloke, rather unsteady on his feet and the sight of him up a ladder is the most terrifying thing I’ve seen in a long time. He looks like he’s going to fall off the ladder at every single step up or down. And when he’s firmly on the ground, he looks like he’s about to die of a heart attack at any moment.

So he came around and made a temporary repair to the bitumen on the built in drain on the roof in the hope that it was the source of the problem.  Aside from worrying about him as he climber the ladder, the sight of him with a blow torch waving backwards and forwards near his legs was just too much to watch. We all hid on the opposite side of the house to avoid watching in fascination, sending one of th family over at regular intervals to make sure he was still alive and unhurt. 

A few days later and with a continuing leak, it became apparent that the entire roof would need to be re-sealed, a job that would require us to strip the plants from the roof, reseal the top and then replant.

So now I find myself, plants stripped, roof resealed and about to re-stock the roof. Most of the larger plants can just be sat back on top, but it’s also given me a chance to rearrange things to a more relaxed, less structured lay-out. It has taken just two days, and aside from the annoyance of people suggesting it might be due to the planting has been remarkably trouble free.

The hot weather followed by the cold and wet has most probably created a small amount of subsidence and the garage has flexed as a result, creating a crack that water has found and followed through. Two days into the process, and I’m wondering how best to lay out the plants and in some cases, their surprisingly huge root systems.

So the blue grasses are now in one large central island, with the thugs of the garden located at the corners of the central bed ready to march onwards into the middle as they inevitably will. The less thug like survivors have been placed in the beds around the sides of the roof, those still marked out by wooden boxes. Hopefully the wooden boxes will provide some protection from the root systems of the thugs and by marking out their territory, might encourage me to some weeding.

Most of the gravel removed will just go straight back onto the roof into roughly the same area as it was taken from. It is full of the bulbs planted over the years and of plants now dormant for Winter. It is also rather full of weeds after a year where the roof has been largely abandoned to its own devices.

So we will have to wait through the year to see what plants (whether deliberately planted or weeds) turn up and grow. The weeds can always be dug up or sprayed out of existence. Hopefully by putting the gravel back into roughly the same spot, we won’t end up with a very uneven spread of spring bulbs but, again, they can always be moved about 

I’m hopeful.

The gravel garden on top of my flat roofed garage was originally planted up 10 years ago, and after the hottest driest Summer I can remember.

If I were to do it again, I’d plant it differently. Instead of planting out a grid, I would plant something more free-lowing within one large bed. If I could force myself to be disciplined enough (working against my nature in a major fashion) then I would focus on fewer plants and just police them. In particular, I’d allow the gravel to show through more in between large colonies of the more successful plants.

In this “what might have been world” the entire bed would be underplanted with alpine bulbs, groups of crocus, iris, narcissus and alliums, planted in groups randomly under the gravel. Some of the bulbs planted over the year have now started to come up blind, without flowers, so maybe next spring I should take some time to weed those out of the bed.

Then I would plant out a few of the thugs:

• Armeria maritime ‘Glory of Holland'(thrift) (Spring)
• Aster ericoides prostrates (Autumn)
• Erigeron Mexican Fleabane (Summer)
• Geranium cinereum “Ballerina”
• Satureja spicier (Autumn)

And I would try to make myself pause to see how those plants started to colonise the bed and think about when they flower and where there might be gaps

& I could just remove the remaining wicker hurdles marking out the grid and try to encourage the bed down a more free form structure with these plants anyway – it’s not as if they aren’t doing their very best to own the space, with no help whatsoever.

Of the non-thuggy plants, which ones am I attached to enough to want to referee and to protect enough to weed out an island of gravel around them?

Maybe the following:

• Dianthus ‘Gold Dust’ which has gold flecks on a deep red flower and forms a clump
• Helianthemum ‘Beech Park Red’ a miniature rock rose.
• Penstemon pinifolius which is a sort of orange-red flower which appears just when you want it and always seems to last forever.
• Phlox subulata ‘McDaniels Cushion’ – a useful cushion of beautiful flowers that seems to hold it’s own without spreading everywhere
• Pulsatilla vulgaris* the basque flower for Easter – lovely flower that just cheers the soul.

But that’s considerably fewer plants the i can see up there at the moment – maybe I just need the confidence to strip down the bed from the current over-abundance.

Obviously I’ve added plants to the original planting list, just because I’m the kind of gardener who can’t stop themselves relentlessly over-filling but in general I’m lazy enough to have tried to stick to the original plan. It’s probably time to take stock.

Some just died a death in the first couple of years, presumably because it was too dry rather than too cold through the Winter, which is usually milder in London. These are ones to avoid when looking to re-plant obviously

• Sedum cauticola
• Sedum sexangulare
• Sempervivum ‘Greyfriars’
• Sempervivum ‘Jungle Fires’
• Draba rigida var imbricata compacta

Some have held out for years but have just died (or disappeared, the dodecatheon seems to pop up every other year) in the last year or two, so may be worth considering. A friend commented that all plants have a finite life and we shouldn’t stop ourselves from re-planting them unless we’re actively looking for a change.

• Dianthus ‘Gold Dust’
• Dianthus ‘Whatfield Cancan’
• Osteospermum ‘Irish’
• Dodecatheon pulchellum ‘Red Wings
• Erysimum ‘Emms Variety’
• Erysimum ‘Parkwoods Gold’

Some of the plants whilst surviving are just at risk of bullying by the thugs, usually less if they flower earlier*.

• Arenaria purpurascens
• Alliums, crocus & iris
• Helianthemum ‘Beech Park Red’
• Gentiana saxosa
• Leucojum autumnale
• Oxalis enneaphylla ‘Rosea’
• Penstemon pinifolius
• Phlox subulata ‘McDaniels Cushion’
• Pulsatilla vulgaris*
• Rhodanthemum hosmariense
• Omphalodes cappadocica

But some of the plants took off and are still doing their very best to take over the entire roof and whilst it’s always satisfying to see things that I’ve planted survive (yes, I really do set the bar that low) they often turn out to be the plants we love least.

• Armeria maritime ‘Glory of Holland'(thrift)
• Aster ericoides prostratus
• Erigeron Mexican Fleabane
• Festuca Glauca (blue grass)
• Geranium cinereum “Ballerina”
• Phlox subulata ‘McDaniels Cushion’
• Satureja spicigera

But then there are the ones that I decided I just couldn’t bear and ripped up almost as soon as they were planted:

• Campanula x pulloides

We spend all of our time worrying and stressing about getting into university, the required subjects and grades, yet spend relatively little thinking about what university life looks like, requires of our children and can offer them.

It can be as simple as talking about what kind of degree they’re about to start, what academic targets they can set themselves for the first year, second, third and/or fourth. But it should also include some non-academic targets.

My youngest daughter is safely through A levels to her preferred university, studying her preferred course, a four year MEng. in general engineering.

& of course I have managed to mislay the list of things that we need to do now but to a certain extent it’s all just waiting to hear back from the university on accommodation.

We’ll need to set up a student bank account, which means taking a look around to see what each one offers. In practical terms it’s easiest to open an account if a parent already has an account there, but that gives us a choice of 3-4 banks. That’s a morning trip to the nearest branch and an hour or so spent filling forms. At the same time we could update here ISA savings account to make it an adult account she can link to her current account for savings. It’s not a bad idea to get them started saving a small sum each month.

We need to organise a student railcard though its a university where it makes sense to drive for the second and third year so maybe not a railcard for all 3 years.

Assuming that she gets offered self-catering then we will need to dig out whatever is left and still suitable from her sister’s first year (single quilt and bedlinen hopefully) before heading off to Ikea or similar to buy some pots and pans etc.

University checklist: Important documents

• Passport (or other ID)
• All official university correspondence, including acceptance letter
• All student loan correspondence (to keep track of when your loan is due, and so you can follow up if necessary)
• Details of accommodation and contract
• Bank account details and recent bank correspondence
• Bank card
• National insurance card/details
• Student discount cards (e.g. 16-25 Railcard, NUS card)

University checklist: Electricals

• Laptop or desktop computer
• Mobile phone and charger
• Extension cable/s
• USB memory stick (for backing up important assignments)
• Headphones
• Speakers

University checklist: Stationery

• Pens and pencils
• A4 lined notepad(s)
• A4 binder(s)
• Highlighters
• Post-it notes
• Calendar/diary
• Paper clips
• Stapler
• Sticky tape
• Course readers and other study books

University checklist: Kitchenware

• Cutlery (tea spoons, tablespoons, knives and forks – enough for yourself)
• Crockery (plates, bowls and mugs – enough for yourself)
• Other utensils (e.g. chopping board and sharp knife, wooden spoon, spatula, cheese grater, potato masher, colander, bottle opener, tin opener)
• Saucepan and frying pan
• Kettle and or toaster for own room
• Scissors (do not attempt to double up as toenail clippers)
• Baking tray
• Tupperware container(s)
• Washing up liquid and sponge
• Recipe book
• Snacks (going to university without biscuits is like going to Barbados without a sunhat)
• TeaTowel

University checklist: Bedroom

• Mattress protector
• Duvet and pillows (at least 3 pillows because they’re useful cushions if you have guests in your room, and you want guests)
• Duvet cover and pillow covers
• Blankets
• Laundry bin (doesn’t have to be wicker, a large and strong plastic bag will do!)
• Clothes hangers
• Alarm clock (as a backup for the day when you inevitably drop your phone down the toilet)
• Desk lamp
• Ear plugs
• doorstop

University checklist: Bathroom

• Toothbrush and toothpaste
• Wash bag (especially useful if you’re sharing a bathroom which is a short walk away from your bedroom)
• Soap
• Shampoo and conditioner, Shower gel
• Deodorant
• Razor
• Towel (x2)
• Hand towel
• Flannel
• Hair brush, hairdryer
• Toilet roll
• Tampons/sanitary towels

University checklist: Healthcare

• Any personal medications and prescriptions
• Basic first aid kit (e.g. pain relief tablets, plasters, cold and flu medication, allergy tablets, antibacterial lotion or spray)
• Details of current GP and doctor’s surgery
• Glasses and prescription
• Multivitamins
• Birth control pills and/or condoms

Note: All new university students should register with a local doctor’s surgery early on in university life. This will save you having to wait for hours at a drop-in center filling out forms on the day that you’re actually ill.

University checklist: Miscellaneous

• Sturdy bag (capable of carrying stacks of books)
• Photographs of friends and family
• Small sewing kit
• Matches or a lighter
• Films/TV series boxsets
• Board/card games (e.g. Monopoly, Hungry Hippos or a pack of cards)
• Hair dryer/ hair straighteners etc.