All of my life I have worried about money, not in a “desperate to make it” kind of way, but rather desperate to have enough, just enough. And then you ask yourself what enough might mean and for me, the answer has always been “enough to walk away”
Money is a means to an end, and the end is independence. When I tell my partner that everyday I wake up and decided whether to stay or to leave, he laughs. Various friends and acquaintances are shocked or even horrified, and I’ve never really understood why. Surely at some level this is something we should all be doing, would all be doing if we felt we had a real choice. Who wants to share their life with a partner forced into keeping them company? What would that say about them and their relationship, less a partnership than a commercial enterprise.
And now with a friend trapped in a loveless marriage, not by money but by ties to her children, I’m made aware that money cannot of course solve all of the problems. She loves her children, not so much the husband who (for all she makes reasoned explanations of his behaviour, stress, pressure at work, sick parents) treats her like shit on his shoe far to often. Her own parents divorced when she had just gained independence and she found it traumatic. She wants to delay that trauma for her children until they’re older, until at least they have left home for university.
And so she puts up with him. She tells me it’s not so bad “He’s away a lot” and the rest of her life, the bit without him in it, is good. But she also worries that her kids will start to normalise their father’s behaviour and see this as an acceptable way to treat women, that the violent arguments when he’s around will impact their own emotional well-being. Is it better to stay or make the break, for the sake of the children?
When her youngest boy starts to swear at her and treat her with contempt, is it teenage hormones or a child copying the way he see’s his father behaving? When she points out to the child that he doesn’t like it when his dad treats him like this (apparently not uncommon) so why would he behave this way to her, he apologises and they move on. Is it enough to call it out for what it is, family bullying, a pattern of behaviour you don’t want to travel down the generations?
When her oldest boy is stressed out by exam pressure compounded by his father’s extreme expectations (Oxford Maths or a failure) and seems to be suffering from an eating disorder, what do you do? Is it better to hope that he succeeds and gets out of the house to sunny Oxford, or that it all fucks up early and he get’s some help in rebuilding himself the way he’s happy with not his father’s mini-me?
Four years is a long time to live miserably.
His retirement is just around the corner. Will it make the situation bitter or worse? Without the kudos of a big, well-paying job, what will this mean little man do to prop up his ego? He could just relax into the swing of his “third-age” playing golf, taking up some voluntary work and chilling out. It might well be the making of him and possibly his marriage.
I couldn’t forgive him. I couldn’t let go of the spite, the nastiness. Not for ten years or more. Whatever the reason, and I’m sure he has many, there’s no need to bundle up all of that anger and use it to hit out emotionally at your partner, your helpmeet and friend.
I couldn’t stay, not for a week never mind four more years.
At least when it’s over, she has enough money to walk away. Most women don’t.
Barbara Reeves, a partner at Mishcon de Reya, has decades of experience in family law. She says risk is inevitable in divorce – and managing it is crucial. “There is a perception that women in England do well out of divorce – with London being described as the world’s divorce capital,” she said. “But it’s important to remember that if this is the case, it is only so for the wives of the super-wealthy. The reality for most women is that they have often created homes, raised children and supported their partners while their own careers have stood still, or progressed at a considerably slower rate.
“The money these women could have earned – and consequently their potential to save for their own future long-term needs, including retirement – has been significantly compromised.
“Divorce has always been a daunting prospect for the financially weaker party, and historically this has been the woman. It is not so much the cost of the proceedings that is daunting – but the aftermath. As the CII report shows, typically it’s women who absorb the risk: those in middle age can find themselves unemployable in an industry they may have thrived in before their marriage and/or having children.
“Once their children have grown up and any maintenance payments begin to dry up, they are often forced to rely on state provision. As Sian Fisher of the CII points out in the report, the historic support systems are receding: ‘We’re all expected to look after ourselves. On top of this, [women] may be caring for elderly parents and contending with their own mental or physical health issues.’ ”
But Reeves adds: “Divorce is a far less daunting prospect for women than non-marital separation: we still see women who have spent decades as a homemaker, raising children … being forced to walk away at the end of their relationship with nothing. If she was married, the ‘homemaker’ has a right to share a partner’s pensions. However, this is a share of the pension assets at the time of the divorce.
“Following divorce, the financially stronger party – historically the man – can continue to earn at his full earning potential and top up his pension pot; meanwhile, the woman may have a reduced earning potential following years out of the employment market while she was building the home and bringing up children. And for women who are unmarried, there is no entitlement to a share in their former partner’s pension. Risk is inherent in relationships for women. While the gender pay gap between men and women in their 20s has closed, the gap opens and widens in later years – in quite a significant part because of women taking time out of employment to have families.”
A relationship, she went on, is the biggest financial risk women take. “Any woman embarking on a relationship should at least hear the facts and be aware of the risk she is adopting.”