Sali Hughes has recently written in the Pool about lessons that she might have found useful and it made me think not only about things I might have valued but things my daughters might have missed:
HOW TO COOK THINGS YOU WANT TO EAT
All kids used to have “Cookery”lessons at school, somewhat dressed up as home Economics. We learned how to make scones and bread, a strange combo dish called “cobbler” and remarkably little about nutrition. Nowadays most kids don’t even get this.
Useful food that you might want to eat would probably start with soup. As Ms Hughes’ points out an inability to make yourself – and a date – some dinner is pathetically unattractive and wouldn’t it be useful to have some idea about how to make one value bag of pasta last a week.
Bread making is all well and good, but not that useful when one only has two eggs and an aged Babybel in the fridge and doesn’t know how to make a simple omelette. The ability to make an all-in-one cheese sauce (Hughes’ recipe: bung together 40g cold butter, 40g flour, a pint of cold milk – then heat gently, stirring all the time. Season. When cooked and thickened, turn off heat and add cheese) will serve you well throughout life. Meanwhile, a generation of girls are dropping entire food groups like hot potatoes because some prat on Instagram tells them to. Osteoporosis: bone health is ultimately more useful than a concave abdomen.
SAYING NO
Kids are great at saying no but, instead of encouraging the impulse where appropriate, we scold and punish them out of it. They will desperately need the confidence to use “No” throughout life.
“No, I don’t want to be touched; no, I won’t cover for you; no, I won’t be giving you my number; no, I don’t want to do you that favour; no, you can’t come for Christmas; no, I can’t take on any extra work; no, it’s actually not OK; no, I’m not coming to the party; no, I won’t lend you the money; no, I didn’t orgasm, NO NO NO NO N-O”. A firm, clear, polite but negative response is among the greatest of all life skills and yet, still, most of us take decades to acquire it the hard way, because we’re too scared that we won’t be liked.
NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOU & THAT”S OKAY
By the time we reach our forties, all being well we will know this. But it should be taught much, much sooner.
Most people spend their teens and twenties feeling bad about themselves and everyone else when people seemed not to like them which, if you think about it, is extraordinarily self-obsessed and entitled, not to mention a huge waste of a fine time. It’s an unavoidable truth that no one but Julie Walters is liked by everyone, and not being liked is not a sign of a bad person.
Recently my youngest daughter came home very upset because her Chemistry teacher appeared not to like her and didn’t seem willing to make the effort to get to understand her problems (she underperformed on a test after a stinking cold made her feel sick as a parrot).
I pointed out that while this may be true, it isn’t actually anything to do with who my daughter is or indeed who the teacher is. Liking each other is not part of the deal. They just have to get through their mutual dislike (or more likely, indifference in the case of the poor teacher) in the most respectful and tolerant way possible. Adults have to get along with people they can’t stand almost every week of their lives. The teacher-pupil relationship is as good a place as any to start learning how.
THIS IS WHAT AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE
A couple of half-hour lessons would save us all a load of practical coursework. My parents had an abusive relationship that I thought gave me a head start here – certainly I’ve avoided most of the disasters of my BF from a much more well-adjusted home life.
When men or women tell you what to wear, who to see or what to do, or when they spy on you, or routinely read your diary/personal emails/texts, or who withhold your money, important documents and property, or who constantly criticise your weight/appearance/
You need to confide in people you trust outside of the relationship and then you have to leave. You need to leave.
HOW TO DO WELL AT WORK
“Turn up, work hard, don’t be a pain in the arse” – this could save whole terms of “careers guidance” and is absolute key to success in the early days of any career, regardless of job title, qualifications, experience and contacts. All else being equal, and obviously it isn’t, people give jobs to those who knuckle down and make life easier for everyone else. My daughters’ teachers are understandably so preoccupied with grades that they failed to give them, the three most important pieces of workplace advice, closely followed by…
HOW TO ASK FOR MORE MONEY
British people are useless at this, especially women. By the time we get around to asking for a rise, however deserved, we are desperate, have tied ourselves up in knots and the whole thing has become personal.
Employers don’t care that you have bills to pay, or a car to maintain, or extra mouths to feed. They need to hear why your specific work calls for more money, which duties you’re effectively performing for free, what added value you’re bringing to the role that would cost significantly more were another to fill it. Be forensic, dispassionate and methodical, and show clearly how you’ve come to your proposed salary increase figure. Then negotiate.
HOW TO TIP
15% for servers, 10% for taxi drivers. A couple of quid for your hair washer, 10-15% for your hairdresser or manicurist, unless they’re the salon owner, in which case none.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU FIND YOURSELF PREGNANT
In soap operas and science lessons, women get pregnant and just have their babies, however unwanted. In real life, people make mistakes and civilised societies give them options. Your doctor will not shout at you; you will not necessarily have to beg, borrow or steal to pay for a safe termination. Yes, it’s undesirable, will be uncomfortable and can be traumatic; no, you will not necessarily regret it for the rest of your life (the same should be taught of divorce).
The first step is a GP, family planning clinic or Brook Advisory Centre. You will need a friend to take you home and will need to sort out future contraception before you leave. Take it.
SELF-DEFENCE
Perhaps all kids should be taught how to punch, where vulnerable tissue lies, the power of a jagged key and why it’s most important of all to get the hell out of a scary or intimidating situation. Self-defence would better serve our girls (and boys) than hockey, and bolster their confidence far more than not being picked for the cool girls’ team.
HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SOMEONE’S LOVED ONE DIES
It’s a sad truth that no one really knows what to say until they themselves need to hear it.
You say, “I am so sorry for your loss.”.
You can add if you know them well “This is absolutely awful and horrible and I am so bloody sorry you’re having to go through it.”
Do not attempt to identify a silver lining, because there isn’t one. Do not draw comparisons with your dead pet, because no one cares.
Assume the bereaved person has needs, even if they aren’t expressing them. By all means, offer to help, but either be specific (“I would be very happy to make all the sandwiches for the wake/babysit your children for the next few days”) or take matters into your own hands and leave a lasagne on the doorstep.
Similarly, never respond to someone’s critical illness diagnosis by telling them which members of your family almost or actually died from the same condition.Just don’t.
HOW TO FILE A TAX RETURN
I know people who have spent days – even weeks – of their early adult lives crying about their tax return. Most people, want to pay their tax, but navigating the sodding form without suffering a minor breakdown can be difficult for people – ask for help!
Everyone would be happier for receiving basic tax, credit (someone needs to tell kids that making your minimum monthly payment on any credit card is essentially a decision to die in debt) and finance guidance at school. Maybe not at the time, but certainly for years afterwards
WHICH SIDE TO STEP WHEN ABOUT TO BUMP INTO AN ONCOMING PERSON
I still don’t know this. Learning is a lifelong project.