North London is a great place to live. For all of the criticism levelled at London in general (too busy, too dirty, too diverse, too much of everything really) it remains a great place to work, to live and raise a family.

Yet every family reaches that stage where the kids are grown and ready to settle down on their own and North London is fiercely expensive, unaffordable on almost kind of salary for a first home, not so much for the mortgage cost but rather the need for a deposit, a lump sum reassuring the banks that they will get their money back even if prices fall somewhat.

My daughter’s beau started out working in the City on a huge salary but, for one reason and another, he left and is now re-starting life as a civil servant on a much more modest salary. By London terms, their pay is okay at around £40k each. In national terms that makes each of them above the median wage of around £35k, yet faced with an average house price of £725k even a combined salary of £80k is not enough.

Obviously they wouldn’t be buying an average house. But that average includes a lot of houses quite a long way away from me, and in an ideal world, I’d want my kids to live close by and to be a useful sort of grandmother if they chose to have their own kids.

North London is expensive.

So privileged wealthy parents want to help their kids buy their first house. Most of them. I’ve definitely come across some who are entirely unwilling to chip in, even when their kid’s partner is getting considerable help from their parents. And I can see where they’re coming from, having set their children up with expensive educations etc: they feel they’ve already done their part.

But I want my girl to live close by. Both of them honestly, but one has already up sticks and moved to Newcastle so unless or until she moves back, there’s nothing I can do to change things for her so I’m focusing on the eldest.

Chatting with people (everyone, honestly) of the same age, whatever the wealth or lack thereof, we’re all struggling with the same issue. There seem to be a couple of options.

Allowing the kids to use a property owned by their parents. I’m certainly not rich enough to have a spare flat or house in London, but I know people who do. By offering the kids a flat to live in, they keep control of the asset but can keep their kids safely close by. One step towards this is buying a house with the children, that is, owning a share, perhaps a controlling share, in the property they buy. Even if I had the money, I’d hate the option. Aside from just not wanting the hassle of another house to manage, the children are kept as dependents. It feels controlling.

Outright gifts. A friend has basically bought a flat for her three kids and put the deeds in their names. I don’t have the money for this but if I did, it would still feel a bit too much, over generous. I don’t have any hang ups about giving them money or assets, but owning a house outright at the age of twenty five would mark them out from their peers in a way that brings its own issues. It feels as if they should have some of their own skin in the game, have to work and maybe take some personal risk to create their own home. I would want my privilege to cushion the bumps in life for my kids, not insulate them from reality. It does feel okay to help with the deposit though, as an outright gift.

Loans. A friend, accepting that their daughter would never earn enough to buy in London, decided to lion her enough money to buy a flat. Having a legal husband (barrister, now judge) they wrote up an agreement and instead of paying money to a bank or building society, she pays them. They decided that interest wasn’t important to them, just a straight forward repayment schedule. Hmm. I quite like this idea as a way to help the daughter whilst not removing too much autonomy. Maybe a loan secured on the house bought would work best.

Her situation is a bit complicated by her beau, who wants to live with her and build a life with her in a house owned 50:50, without parents who are willing to match what we’re willing to give. Hmm.

I’m stuck wondering how that works out five years down the line if they break up. Suppose that we Make them a loan, no interest, for £400k for which they both are liable, secured on the house. Do we have to arrange it so that we loan her £200k and him £200k to make them both independently liable?

In five years time, he would have to repay his share of the loan but would also walk away with 50% of any capital gain on the property, earned though our generosity. Do I care enough about that to refuse to help? Are any of the alternatives any better? I don’t mind transferring my wealth to my children but other people’s children are not my responsibility, surely? Though he is a lovely boy, and treats her very well.

Privileged problems.