What’s the worst part of apologizing?

A) Working up the courage to admit we were wrong.

B) Standing in front of the other person and saying that we’re sorry.

C) Waiting for a reaction from the other person after we’ve spoken.

You’re on your own for (A) and (C) but there’s some quite good advice out there about (B).

The winning suggestion is a simple “why-because-and” framework.

Start by looking the other person in the eye and say why you’re sorry. 

For example: “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your party …” or

“I’m sorry I handed in my work late …”

Explain the because behind your remorse, which is not the reason you screwed up, but the reason why it was a screw up – an apology is not actually all about you. 

For example: “… because I know you were so excited and wanted to celebrate…” or

“… because I know you need that detail to figure out the budget …”

Finish with an and. 

For example: “… and when you have another party, I’ll be there.”

or “… and I’ll send you the information tomorrow and I’ll be sure to meet all future deadlines.”

In cases such as a silver-wedding anniversary dinner, there is no obvious and to offer, but you can say something like “… and I’d love to celebrate with you and Mary in the future.”

Through your words and tone of voice, you should make it clear that you’ve thought about your actions and you’re truly sorry.

Which is obviously the key point, and maybe why we all struggle so much with apologies:

you need to genuinely feel sorry rather than simply trying to get through some social awkwardness. You need to understand and empathise with the person you have offended and/or upset because that is what apology means.