Feminists hate men. It’s such a common accusation thrown at women whether they identify as feminists or not, whenever or wherever they say or write anything vaguely critical of a man or men. It’s normally followed by a whole series of replies denying the very idea so it was thought provoking to come across a book titled “I Hate Men”

I’m a feminist : do I hate men?

I’m married to one and after decades together he remains my delight in life so clearly if I do hate men then #not all men.

But typing in “women hate..” into a search engine leads to some very strange places (setting aside “SEX” which is a whole topic in itself).

Unlike “Women love…” which leads to some very strange sites written by men, mainly pick-up artists, with some truly bizarre ideas about what women want from relationships, “women hate..” leads straight to a wiki page on misandry, and it feels a little censored to be honest.

Apparently, Sociologist Allan G. Johnson argues in The Gender Knot: Unraveling our Patriarchal Legacy that accusations of man-hating have been used to put down feminists and to shift attention onto men, reinforcing a male-centered culture. Johnson posits that culture offers no comparable anti-male ideology to misogyny and that “people often confuse men as individuals with men as a dominant and privileged category of people” and that “[given the] reality of women’s oppression, male privilege, and men’s enforcement of both, it’s hardly surprising that every woman should have moments where she resents or even hates men”.

Hmm. Given the reality of our lived experience, it is hardly surprising that every woman should have moments, when we resent or even hate men.

Why do I hate men? Why is it such a difficult question to even ask without adding distancing quotation marks to “hate”?

Looking back at that ridiculous “women love men, because..” site, some of the reasons are blindingly obvious.

Men make women feel unsafe

Men kill women in large numbers, often in intimate settings. They rape women. They assault women, physically, emotionally and verbally.

My daughter is not safe walking home because of “men”.

She is underpaid and undervalued because of “men”.

Her life is curtailed and made smaller by men.

Men try to make women feel girly and “feminine”. They define women instead of letting women define themselves.

Feeling girly is not the equivalent of feeling feminine, the latter being something that individual women get to define for themselves, but usually involves a sense of power, control and self-determination (even when frills are involved). Experientially, no grown woman wants to feel like a little girl outside of some very, very limited scenarios, most of which involve her actual parents, or some pre-agreed kink with another consenting adult.

Too often, men’s attempts to make women feel “girly” manifest in behaviour designed to demean or denigrate a woman, to make her feel or appear less powerful, to reduce her autonomy and independence.

Far too often such behaviour is actually an attempt to make the man feel bigger or better by making the woman feel smaller or less.

#not all men

Men make bad boyfriends, husbands, fathers or grandfathers.

There are many ways to build a family and many roles within that family that can be the responsibility of either or neither gender. Ultimately successful relationships are built on mutual trust and cooperation with a huge dose of good communication.

Men are pretty crap at communicating. Getting a man to talk about their feelings, to deal with any strong emotions is like pulling teeth and I say this as someone with a relatively astute and caring husband of decades. They are also pretty lazy when it comes to doing any of the emotional heavy lifting in raising and maintaining a family. They’re not great at doing any of the leg-work involved in making relationships work, from physical organising, social diary keeping, playdates through to funeral arrangements, from the emotional rollercoaster that is raising kids through surviving menopause etc etc

Men are seriously quite bad at being boyfriends, husbands, fathers and grandfathers. This is the reason why, where women have a choice, more and more of them are choosing to divorce their husbands. Given a choice between a bad partner and no partner, it’s logical to take the second option.

#not all men

Men insist on providing financially for a woman as if that were the only, or even the most important job, except when they don’t.

Whether or not they involve men, relationships of all kinds are all about mutual support and providing for each other, emotionally, financially, physically.

Supporting someone financially does not excuse someone from doing all or any of the rest of the jobs involved in a relationship and family. More often than not, families need both parents working in the UK so why do men not share in the rest of the familial hard work?

And obviously in the event of divorce, men most often fail to adequately provide financially for their own kids, as well as absenting themselves from their lives physically and emotionally.

#not all men

Men are purpose driven.

Men do “stuff” to avoid intimacy. They use the stuff they do, whether it’s work achievements or obsessive hobbies, to avoid engaging emotionally or intellectually with other people. They compete rather than cooperate.

Nobody actually died wishing they’d spent more time in the office. Post-retirement, no one in that office will care what you have done. They won’t even remember your name.

Men are too concerned with status and prestige to actually focus on enjoying their everyday lives. They are too distracted by external validation to actually value intimate relationships appropriately.

#not all men

Men insist women find them funny, even when they’re not.

As Atwood wrote, men worry about women laughing at them whilst women worry about men killing them.

If many women don’t have a sense of humour it’s because most men are just not funny. Honestly, your jokes are not very good, and no one really finds the threat of rape and violence that we live with very humorous except people who think it’s okay to rape or be violent. Don’t be that person.

Men are rarely as funny as they believe themselves to be. They are also just not as charming or interesting as they imagine. I have reached the age when I am glad to be seated next to a woman at the table because frankly, they’re more fun and less hard work than a man. Men require women to be interested in them, to pretend to find them more charming than they are. Women are required to ask questions and feign a level of interest that just does not exist.

On her last date before lockdown, my daughter’s male “beau” spent 40 minutes talking about his job. He asked her one question about herself. There was no second date. He spent the next few weeks harassing her on-line, before telling her she was dull and uninteresting. How would he know?

#not all men

Men give a woman’s life more meaning. They suck up time and attention that would be better spent elsewhere.

We should each get to decide, within the limits society imposes upon us, our relative wealth, health etc. for ourselves what we value and what gives our lives purpose.

Men demand too much time and attention from the women in their lives. They require the women in their lives to put them first, to look after them, physically, intellectually and emotionally. It’s tiring. It leaves no time for women to actually live their own lives and make sure their own needs are met.

Men need so much attention from the women in their lives that the women don’t get any time for themselves. The personal cost for women is just too damned high.

#not all men

Men are not dependable

Given the number of single-mother families in the world men have never been dependable, never been reliable for the women in their lives, and families.

An extraordinary number of men kill themselves every week, in every country and culture around the world. Men run away, emotionally and physically too often to be regarded as dependable.

#not all men

Men have brought us to this point as a human race.

Men have been in charge for a long time, and let’s face it, it’s not looking like an overwhelming success. There are some obvious problems with the world, and men manage to both refuse to take responsibility for their fuck-ups and refuse to share any power or responsibility for making things better.

#not all men